"To Do" Lists

I feel like I'm terrible at organizing my life, even though I somehow still manage to get a lot of my shit taken care of. It kind of boggles my mind, actually--how do I do it? Unlike outside observers, to whom it probably doesn't seem like I do all that much more than any other average Jane walking around on two legs, I know how much clutter takes up space in my brain, so it's a wonder to me that I ever get anything done. (If you've ever seen my room or my episodic dish situation, you know how this mental clutter translates to the physical world.)

Last year, I was good about carrying around a tiny little notebook to write things down in, to make lists in. Eventually, I stopped that. I guess there were too many lists, all put down in one place--it became overwhelming. I forgot to add "Don't get overwhelmed by 'to do lists'" to my list.

Now, I'm heavily dependent on my Google calendar. I'm very anti-PDA (Why would I ever want to be able to know what I'm scheduled to do at any point in the future for my entire life??), but I'm also very "I'm-in-denial-about-all-the-shit-I-need-to-do," so, often, if someone asks me if I'm free to do something, say, four days from then, I'll say, without any cheek, "I'm not sure. Let me check my calendar and get back to you." If I had people, I would definitely be asking them to contact yours (If you had any... which you might, I mean, I don't know who's reading this right now anyway, right? Who am I to make assumptions?).

It's not because I have more to do than any other average Tokyoite, it's just that, I feel like I'm always walking a fine line of being conscious and in the present, and blowing it all off in a "well, fuck it" attitude and running for the hills or a desert island and, if I had that calendar always available, ready to weigh me down with its admonitions of "Don't forget to do X," or "You've got Z at 3pm," then it'd just be too much.

Actually, that second part is so precariously close to the surface that I also have episodic bouts of "desert island mode," one of which finally won out and took me to New Caledonia in April. Only, four days in the tropics weren't really enough. So, I escaped again to Jakarta a couple weekends ago. It was amazing and I could totally see myself living there (on an excellent expat package, of course). But, it's only been two weeks back in the real world and I'm desperate to run and hide again (If I can't see the world, then it can't see me and it won't notice all the stuff I'm not getting done.). It's 'cause my mental "To Do" list is becoming heavy and hard to look at.

I'll be celebrating my 2nd Annual 29th Birthday in less than six months, and I feel like I've got very little, professionally, to show for it. Sure, my experience looks great on paper and, in fact, my job experiences have been pretty darn good in real life, too, but they're not what I had in mind when I tripped up the stairs and hobbled across the stage* in Bender Arena to accept my degree a million (okay, eight) years ago.

Law school has always been in the plans and joining the State Department was high my list of things to get done, but neither of these things has been did. Where did the last eight years go?? What about the last 11?? When did I stop being 18 years old with all the time in the world to get my shit sorted out? I'm not saying I'm ancient (even though I feel that way sometimes when I do have a momentary reality check, "Oh, yeah, shit, I forgot I'm not 18 anymore."), but it just seems like a lot of my peers have gotten their stuff a lot more figured out and even if things can't necessarily be definitively crossed off their lists, they're well on their way to being so.

I did manage to squeeze the foreign service exam in back in 2001, and I even managed to pass it. But after not making the cut in the second round, I never got back to that (plus, ahem, I wasn't a fan of the boss, so that's at least part of my excuse for lagging on that task). I sort of started working on the whole law school angle by training to teach LSAT prep back in 2003, but then I got side-tracked by jaunting off to Paris for a year and some change. Now, as that 2nd Annual 29th looms, I'm starting to get more serious about getting around to the whole law school "to do" (by "serious," read: talking about it more to more people, but still not doing an actual damn thing about it). Talking with Katy when I was in Jakarta helped me figure out a semi-deadline for getting my applications out if I want to start school in the fall of 2010: December 2009. (Cue doom music.) Um, yeah, um... shiiiiiiiit!!! That's just around the corner! Have you noticed that it's already frickin' June?! WTF?!? When did that happen??

See?? See how I always feel like time just got away from me? Is this a problem that affects only me, or do any of you ("Papa, can you hear me?" "Hello, testing, testing. Is this thing on?") feel this way too?

Anyway, lists, to dos, lots, heavy, denial, no time, old, (wow, stream of consciousness is so much faster than writing complete sentences), deadlines, failed deadlines, huh...

Welcome to the inside of my head. Please be careful not trip over that pile of shit to do.


*I had just had my cast off the week before after having broken my foot and sprained my ankle at the same time the week before spring break. Right before I mounted the steps, I joked to my friend behind me, "Wouldn't it suck if I tripped?" Ha! Yes, Irony, I heard you.



h/t to Lauren over at Fighting Liberals for making my year when she shared this video.